Addiction

Life with an addict is something I don’t talk about often. It has affected my life immensely. I knew J was an addict when we met years ago, I knew he was an alcoholic, but I had only began to witness the depths of his addictions.

At the time we were 21, life was fun. Drinking was normal. I was out until 4am, home for a few hours to sleep then off to work 8 to 5. Back to party the next night, no big deal.

You see, I was a responsible person. I was raised in a Christian home, drinking, partying, it wasn’t something I grew up around. I was the good lil Christian girl, naive to many things. He was the bad boy. Partying, drinking, and in and out of jail, eventually prison.

I was always there. I never got in trouble, was always sober enough to take care of him. That was how it was. We had tons of fun and honestly, we shouldn’t have ended up together. Polar opposites, but we worked.

Here we are 14 years later, 2 kids, a life we built in spite of all the difficulties his addiction caused us.

4 years ago, after discovering a wicked pill addiction was ongoing, we found ourselves in a living hell.

J had lost his job due to drug use. I was unemployed and 6 months pregnant and we had a 1 1/2 year old. Life was not pretty. He tried to get clean on his own and failed. He tried rehab, walked out after 2 days. Tried suboxone and took a months worth in a week after discovering he could get high on it.

Last chance was methadone. The cure for his addictions. He could get clean without withdrawal. He could reclaim his life, it was a controlled program, he had to earn privileges, he would be drug tested, and it would be a way for him to learn how to live a clean and sober life and we could find some normalcy again. . if we even knew what that was anymore.

So here we are, 4 years later. J is the stay at home dad to our boys. He’s been doing good. Had a few relapses but recovered quick. Yet, after 4 years, the clinic really has proven that their goal is money, not helping people.

J was down to 5mg a day of methadone. The goal was decreasing until he was done. Yet, the clinic wanted him to taper off methadone and replace it with a shot that would again, stop withdrawal, but also stop him from getting high. The risks would be high, people have taken this shot and attempted to get high and overdosed because they take so many drugs, no effect, and keep trying, ultimately overdosing. Not to mention, the ultimate goal is to end dependency, while the clinic appears to want him forever dependant on them to maintain his sobriety, all with dollar signs in mind.

Last week, J decided that he was ready to be done. Cold turkey he has stopped the methadone.

It has not been pretty. It has affected me as well. Addiction affects everyone in the home. Our kids do not understand why daddy is sick so much. I am working, while worrying about him home with the kids and stressed. When I am home, the full…. Well everything is on me because he is physically and mentally drained.

Yet, I am here. I knew and I chose this life with him regardless of his addictions. I believe in him. I know he can do this.

Our life has been far from perfect….the things we have been through that no one knows. The suicide attempts whole drunk, 2 of them that thankfully he survived, they were horrifying. The stealing, sneaking around. The lies. The lost trust that had to be rebuilt, only to be destroyed again. The fear that all we have may come crashing down around me.

It is not easy. But I love him. As long as he is willing to try, I am too.

Right now, I am witnessing a desire, determination to stay clean, to beat this. I know he will succeed.

Today is one week of being off the methadone and a week of not being dependent on anything. It is hell for him. He stated he feels as if someone ripped out his soul and he’s fighting to get it back.

Only time will tell how this ends. But even in his pain, as I type this and watch him smile through it, laughing with our boys, I know that he’s hurting and in so much pain, but he will make it through this. We will make it through this. We will have our life back. It will be good when all is said and done.

Addiction almost ruined us many times. But here we are, 14 years later. He made it. We made it. We fought through and made it this far. We can make it through this.

Addiction is an ugly thing. It ruins lives. If you are lucky, you can beat it.