Nothing but craziness!

While J’s withdrawal has been a huge focus lately, this house is anything but calm on a day to day basis.

My dog has fleas. Usually, with wood floors, I could dip him, vacuum baseboards, area rugs quick, wash all bedding, treat dog and move on, fleas going away quickly. Yet, our washer is broken and my dog is quite possibly the only lab that hates baths. Loves swimming but god forbid I put him in a bath tub. I also have to lug all blankets to the laundry mat every few days for a full wash.

The huge chore of this is on me as J has no energy.  This has been ongoing for weeks! I have bathed, washed, sprayed, vacuumed and nothing is working! I did another flea treatment this AM and my dog is now flued to J because J isn’t the one tossing this 100lb beast in a bath and combing for fleas and spraying crap all over, so queue J’s anxiety from a dog up his butt all day.

Finally got Frontline, hellooo $50, and am hoping this dog will be flea free soon! Fleas are awful this year. Hopefully since snow finally fell and we have freezing temps the fleas will die off soon….so tired of this!

My kids are going stir crazy from being home over school break. Ready to go back tomorrow! B won’t go to church, with his ADHD, he has hypersensitivity to loud noises, so he hates church since its so loud. I need to find a smaller church but with A having autism the only church we found that will work with him is very large and so it’s either go to a large church that B can’t handle with his gearing, but A gets extra help in church and accomodations or go to a small church that lacks help to help with A and B enjoys the smaller quietness. Its a challenge.  We are looking into some supplements that will help B with his hypersensitivity to noises and hope something works so both can go.

I am a strong believer in faith and want the kids to grow up going to church, so trying to figure out a good church for them.

Will see what we find.

J is still withdrawing. He said last night that he thought it would be done, but it isn’t. Reading some articles and a few say that the liver can store methadone for a while, so that this withdraw could be weeks longer. He is still determined, but he’s also not been alone without me or the boys. The true test will be when kids go back to school and I go back to work. How he handles alone time then will tell if he’s really determined.

I may have him meet me for lunch this week and do some things to keep busy. I am hopeful that by day 14, it will progressively get better. Sleep us still and issue, good nights, and bad nights occur. Praying that soon it gets better. I realized this AM that he was snoring and actually asleep, so I shut the kids out of our bedroom and turned on the fan to block noise and am hoping that he will sleep until 8 at least which will give him a few extra hours.

My life is crazy right now. I have started taking vitamins and tryingbto take care of myself. I will be back in the gym this week as an outlet for my own stress. I need to take care of me since I have spent so much time and energy taking care of everyone else lately.  I also need to drop the 30lbs I gained last year too! Eek.

Things are about as good as I could have expected them to be going into day 11 of withdrawals for J. Life is still crazy, it is what it is. Can’t change it, just have to deal with it.

Soon, I will have my partner back, J will be back to his old self and our life will get some normalcy…..at least that is what I am hoping and praying for!

Day 10 – Managing as a Family

Today is day 10 that J has been withdrawing. Still has crazy anxiety and diarrhea. Buy I think the second is caused by the 1st.

Given it is just after Chriatmas and we have cash to spend, we are going to venture out. There’s only so much vegging at home with Netflix that we can do.

So we are heading out today to buy some clothes, some organizing things to make the best use of limited space in our tiny house, that will undoubtedly help as the lack or room can cause you to feel closed in and make anxiety worse. So given we have time and money to spend, we are going to go shop with the kids, get everyone some clothes, get some organizing things and things we want and need.

It will be good to get out and about, I am sure it will help.

Day 8 sucked, day 9 was better, and day 10 (today) will be even better.

It is so very hard with a son with autism, because his quirks and the two boys fighting just drives my anxiety through the roof and I can only imagine how J feels with his anxiety and having it amplified by the kids

Add to it that we have a neurotic dog with anxiety himself, that I swear needs doggy Prozac, I am going absolutely apeshit crazy!

I need kids back in school and life to go back to normal again. We all need the normalcy again.

It will get better, this will all pass, life will return to as normal as it can be and we will get through. But right now, we are all going a lil stir crazy and all need to get out of this house.

So today, we shop!

New Year

This blog has taken a big detour from where it was when I started, however, my life has changed as well….

2015 is done. It was a good year.

Our 6 year old started 1st grade. Got his ADHD under control and is excelling in school!

Our 5 year old started general education prekindergarten and while he has struggled, he is adjusting and we are finally getting towards getting services at school for him that will make his schooling easier for him. We are in  behavioral therapy and working towards a better life for him with his autism.

J was doing great this year. He stumbled along the way, has a few weak moments where he took pills but in the end has stopped the methadone and now is on day 9 without it which is a huge accomplishment

I haven’t focused so much on my health and fitness journey. After loosing so much weight, I balanced out. Gained back 20 lbs, haven’t been to the gym in months but overall my life is healthier than it had been in past years, I have found a healthy balance I feel which is good for me.

Starting 2016 in the middle of J’s  withdrawal from methadone is scary. I worry he won’t be able to stay clean. He’s managed most w/d symptoms fairly well except for the anxiety. He’s an addict so taking ativan or xanax is not going to work for him. We are exploring vitamins and over the counter all natural supplements that can help with anxiety as to get that under control so that he is not tempted to take anything that will cause a relapse.

This whole process is stressful to say the least! It is hard on not only him, but me as well. At any time, it could go badly. It could all fall to pieces.  So anticipating what’s to come, lots of research, and he’s doing this with vitamins and all natural supplements to help his body balance out after depending on drugs and then methadone for years.  He’s basically thrown his trust into me and trusts that when I buy vitamins and lay them out, that they are going to help. While I can’t manage his addiction, I never will, he does trust my research on what will help, and takes any vitamins I give him. So I am looking into vitamins that will help with anxiety and he will begin those today to see if he can get that under control. The anxiety is quite possibly the worst of the withdrawal. If he can get that under control he will be doing good.

We are starting 2016 on a positive note, claiming it as the year J gets his life back, the year A gets help with his autism, and the year that we put all the b/s behind us.

Last night was hard with J’s  withdrawal and anxiety, but yesterday is done. Last year is done. We are  moving forward to better things. Each day will be better than the last. I am claiming that because negative thoughts can have negative effects. So I am staying positive and we are working through all that comes our way!

Happy 2016! Here’s to an amazing New Year!

Addiction

Life with an addict is something I don’t talk about often. It has affected my life immensely. I knew J was an addict when we met years ago, I knew he was an alcoholic, but I had only began to witness the depths of his addictions.

At the time we were 21, life was fun. Drinking was normal. I was out until 4am, home for a few hours to sleep then off to work 8 to 5. Back to party the next night, no big deal.

You see, I was a responsible person. I was raised in a Christian home, drinking, partying, it wasn’t something I grew up around. I was the good lil Christian girl, naive to many things. He was the bad boy. Partying, drinking, and in and out of jail, eventually prison.

I was always there. I never got in trouble, was always sober enough to take care of him. That was how it was. We had tons of fun and honestly, we shouldn’t have ended up together. Polar opposites, but we worked.

Here we are 14 years later, 2 kids, a life we built in spite of all the difficulties his addiction caused us.

4 years ago, after discovering a wicked pill addiction was ongoing, we found ourselves in a living hell.

J had lost his job due to drug use. I was unemployed and 6 months pregnant and we had a 1 1/2 year old. Life was not pretty. He tried to get clean on his own and failed. He tried rehab, walked out after 2 days. Tried suboxone and took a months worth in a week after discovering he could get high on it.

Last chance was methadone. The cure for his addictions. He could get clean without withdrawal. He could reclaim his life, it was a controlled program, he had to earn privileges, he would be drug tested, and it would be a way for him to learn how to live a clean and sober life and we could find some normalcy again. . if we even knew what that was anymore.

So here we are, 4 years later. J is the stay at home dad to our boys. He’s been doing good. Had a few relapses but recovered quick. Yet, after 4 years, the clinic really has proven that their goal is money, not helping people.

J was down to 5mg a day of methadone. The goal was decreasing until he was done. Yet, the clinic wanted him to taper off methadone and replace it with a shot that would again, stop withdrawal, but also stop him from getting high. The risks would be high, people have taken this shot and attempted to get high and overdosed because they take so many drugs, no effect, and keep trying, ultimately overdosing. Not to mention, the ultimate goal is to end dependency, while the clinic appears to want him forever dependant on them to maintain his sobriety, all with dollar signs in mind.

Last week, J decided that he was ready to be done. Cold turkey he has stopped the methadone.

It has not been pretty. It has affected me as well. Addiction affects everyone in the home. Our kids do not understand why daddy is sick so much. I am working, while worrying about him home with the kids and stressed. When I am home, the full…. Well everything is on me because he is physically and mentally drained.

Yet, I am here. I knew and I chose this life with him regardless of his addictions. I believe in him. I know he can do this.

Our life has been far from perfect….the things we have been through that no one knows. The suicide attempts whole drunk, 2 of them that thankfully he survived, they were horrifying. The stealing, sneaking around. The lies. The lost trust that had to be rebuilt, only to be destroyed again. The fear that all we have may come crashing down around me.

It is not easy. But I love him. As long as he is willing to try, I am too.

Right now, I am witnessing a desire, determination to stay clean, to beat this. I know he will succeed.

Today is one week of being off the methadone and a week of not being dependent on anything. It is hell for him. He stated he feels as if someone ripped out his soul and he’s fighting to get it back.

Only time will tell how this ends. But even in his pain, as I type this and watch him smile through it, laughing with our boys, I know that he’s hurting and in so much pain, but he will make it through this. We will make it through this. We will have our life back. It will be good when all is said and done.

Addiction almost ruined us many times. But here we are, 14 years later. He made it. We made it. We fought through and made it this far. We can make it through this.

Addiction is an ugly thing. It ruins lives. If you are lucky, you can beat it.

Death

It’s been 2 weeks since my friend took her life and 2 months since my father in law passed. 1 year ago today another friend was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident with her husband.

Death. It’s so damn final.

I don’t know how to deal with death. I mean, the sadness doesn’t ever go away.  The pain never really leaves you. I always wish I would have done things differently.  Hell, I still think of when my Grandfather passed over 10 years ago. I missed a family event days before. I wish I would have been there, but I wasn’t.

You’re always left with questions you may never get an answer to. Things you wish you would have done differently.

You feel guilty for moving forward, but your life just doesn’t stop. So you move on, try to heal, but how do you? I mean, really? You live life. You still cry, you still hurt, you still remember those you lost. The sadness is there, you just manage it better. It doesn’t really go away.

The hurt never really will go away.

We all grieve differently. Some of us cry in private. Some of us busy ourselves to not think of the loved one gone. Some of us are angry – we have that right.

Death hurts all those left behind.

What I’ve learned through my life is that you can’t forget someone’s faults when they pass. Just because that person is gone, it does not change the bad they may have done in their life. Yet, when they are gone, we all focus on the good. You never want to remember someone for being an alcoholic, drug addict, cheater, lying, manipulative, asshole. No, of course you don’t want to remember all of that. You want to remember all the good a person was. Ignoring the bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.

I remember when my father in law passed, I was so sad. I did not mourn the man he was at that time. I mourned the man he could have been. I mourned the man he was in the past, not who he was in recent years. In recent years, he fueled my fiance’s drug addiction and lied and kept secrets that were life changing to my family. I do not mourn THAT man. Rather, I mourn the man he was when I met him, the fun man that I spent much time with. The man that would kiss my head and tell me that he knew his son would always be okay as long a he had me.  That man, I will miss, but not the drug addict, alcoholic, who lied and kept secrets from me for years. I will not miss that man. I mourn the grandfather he could have been. If he would have beat his addictions, he would have been an amazing grandfather to my two sons, the grandsons he wanted to badly to have.  I regret not taking a picture with him the last time I saw him. Being stubborn, letting my anger get in the way of taking that one stupid picture. 1 minute of my time would have given my boys a memory, a picture to cherish of their grandfather. I regret that.

See, we all have regrets, we all mourn differently. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Some of us, we go searching. We look for every single thing we can find to hold onto the person we love. Some of us, we shut that door, we move on, and that is all. No looking back. There’s just no right or wrong way.

Death sucks. There’s just no better way to put it out there, none. It’s final. You can’t get that person back.All you can do is make sure people know you love them and you care. Live your life in a way that if you were to die today that everyone knows you love them. It’s all you can do. That’s it.

RIP My friend…

I have attempted to write this many times, but I can’t quite put into words my thoughts.

Over 5 years ago I joined a mom group while pregnant for my son. I connected with many mom’s and we eventually transferred our group to Facebook.  We talked, we laughed, we cried, we shared our lives with each other beyond just the day to day mom struggles.  At one point, some mom’s wanted to get healthy, lose some weight, and change their lives.  We had a group split off for a heath/fitness group… our Work that Ass group.

When I joined that smaller sub group, I really got to know a smaller group of ladies.  One in particular just mesmorized me.  She was smart, funny, strong, an AMAZING mother, truly everything I aspired to be.  Miss Kira… oh how I loved her! We weren’t close in a sense that we texted or talked on the phone, but close in our group. She shared her hardships with us – a near death experience giving birth to her 5th child (yes, 5 children, all lucky as can be to have her for their mom!), her struggles to overcome past abuse as an adolescent, her journey to be strong, find healthy balance.  She competed in fitness competitions, opened our eyes to healthy, sustainable weight loss & strength.  More than anything, she encouraged, she inspired, and she was funny as hell! Oh, her sense of humor was unlike any other!  And yanno, the best thing is that she genuinely cared.  Truly. She cared about people. If you needed anything,  you could count on Kira. Always.

You see though, Kira was battlng her own demons.  Strong for her children, strong for everyone else, but struggling inside.  Her past haunted her. Feeling like a burden to your children, friends, family.  She overcame so much, met every goal she had with ease, but the healing process for her did not come quickly and that, I know, took a toll on her.

A week ago, Kira’s battle came to an end.  Kira could no longer battle her demons and she took her life.

Words cannot even describe the loss this world suffered.  This amazing woman – wife, mother, friend, confidant – she is no longer here.  It still feels like a bad dream.  The impact she made on me is unlike any other.  The changes I’ve made in my life with her help, I will forever be grateful.  I adored her.  Someone I had never met in real life, but considered a friend no less, she is gone.  Her babies will never see mom again.  Her husband will never have his other half there with him.  We will never see her funny videos, get her amazing advice, talk to her again.

My heart aches for her children, her husband, and all who knew her.

I’m struggling daily to undertand how the most logical person I know. The person who talked many others off the ledge, who gave them the best advice, who encouraged them to fight hard to overcome, how she could in that darkest of hour not see how valuable she was. I struggle to understand how the world’s best mother, who I know loved her children, how she could possibly believe they would be better without her.

That’s the thing about anxiety, about abuse, it beats you down until you have nothing left.  The mental heath system, it’s flawed.  Kira reached out for help, she was no stranger to doctors, to getting help, however, the system failed her. When someone wants help, but cannot get the help they need, what is left for them? It’s a sad system, it needs to be improved. Mental health needs to be taken seriously.  Kira didn’t seem depressed, she had anxiety, she had a history of abuse that made her feel worthless  She reached out for help. You see, she wanted to be heathy.  She was physically strong, healthy, however, she couldn’t beat her inner demons and when she reached out, the system failed her.

So, where do we go from here? Her husband, he will move forward, doing the best for their children. He’s an amazing man and I wish I could take away his hurt in some way.  Her children, they have support, I hope one day they’re able to see how much their mother loved them and that her choice was not to punish them.

Her friends? Well, we’ll carry her with us in our hearts forever.  Living our lives in a way that will honor her.  I will speak of her often, think of her often, and never forget this amazing woman.

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In Kira’s honor, for her children, is a Go Fund Me page.  Set up by a close friend. The money will go directly to Kira’s husband.  If you’re inclined, please donate.  The last thing he needs is to deal with financial worries at this time.

http://www.gofundme.com/6x6x9spxd4

Please watch this video, hear her words from her.  This video is only part of her story told by her husband & herself…. it’s a beautiful tribute to Kira. You won’t regret watching.

Rest peacefully sweet Kira… I hope you’re able to find peace!❤

#RIPKira #BeFormidableAsFuck #GoneButNeverForgotten

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I wish I could do this for him….

I don’t usually talk alot here about my kids or specific situations, but I’m really struggling right now.

Back in October, we took our 5 year old for his first eye exam after he failed a vision test at school.  We discovered he has a lazy eye, basically. We went home with glasses ordered and a 6 month follow up scheduled.  In 6 months, our son no longer goes cross eyed.  Yet he still cannot see. I’m amazed he’s functioned so long with how terribly bad his eyes are.

We’re now onto step 2, patching his right eye in hopes that his left eye will grow stronger. I was aware this was going to happen, we were informed at our first appointment.

6 hours a day we’re to patch the right eye to help make the left eye stronger. Vision in the right eye is also bad, however, it’s growing weaker by overcompensating for the left eye.

Every night I have to come home and patch my child’s eye. I have to watch him bump into things, try to drink and spill it because he’s struggling to see. I have to watch him curl into a ball and cry because he is struggling so badly. Begging to go to bed at 6pm, when usually he’s crying and begging to stay up at 8pm.  I wish I could make this better.

The struggle he has. Feeling as if he failed because he couldn’t see to tell us the letters at his eye exam. The tears when he heard the doctor say he had to wear a patch.

God this is hard.

If only he understood, no matter how much I tell him, that this is not a punishment. He’s not bad. He didn’t do anything wrong to make his eyes bad.  It’s tough. It’s a position I hate to be in.

I want to say, “OK, just wear your glasses, no patch today” Yet, I fear what will happen if his vision doesn’t improve.  I worry about if he refuses his patch, how bad will his eyes be. It’s stressful, to say the least.

I feel guilty for not taking him for an eye exam sooner. I could have found the issue years ago, had I taken him to the eye doctor sooner.

So, here I sit, searching for patches that will make him happy.  Spending too much money on many designs in hopes that he will wear them and enjoy fun eye patches.  I have 20 patches coming tomorrow with a reward chart, he swears he will wear them, but I know it will be hard and yet again, he will cry and beg me to just let him take them off.  I’m ordering custom patches in his favorite characters in hopes that he will keep them on his glasses and find them fun to wear. Yet, I fear it’s wasted investments.

I’m not the only parent to go through this, I know. Yet, I can’t help but feel so helpless throughout it all.

It’s hard being a mom. It’s so hard enforcing this with him when he cries and begs me to just take it off.

I absolutely hate this. I really do.

Being an adult… being a mom…. sometimes it just stinks.  It’s no fun being the “bad guy.”