It’s been 2 weeks since my friend took her life and 2 months since my father in law passed. 1 year ago today another friend was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident with her husband.

Death. It’s so damn final.

I don’t know how to deal with death. I mean, the sadness doesn’t ever go away.  The pain never really leaves you. I always wish I would have done things differently.  Hell, I still think of when my Grandfather passed over 10 years ago. I missed a family event days before. I wish I would have been there, but I wasn’t.

You’re always left with questions you may never get an answer to. Things you wish you would have done differently.

You feel guilty for moving forward, but your life just doesn’t stop. So you move on, try to heal, but how do you? I mean, really? You live life. You still cry, you still hurt, you still remember those you lost. The sadness is there, you just manage it better. It doesn’t really go away.

The hurt never really will go away.

We all grieve differently. Some of us cry in private. Some of us busy ourselves to not think of the loved one gone. Some of us are angry – we have that right.

Death hurts all those left behind.

What I’ve learned through my life is that you can’t forget someone’s faults when they pass. Just because that person is gone, it does not change the bad they may have done in their life. Yet, when they are gone, we all focus on the good. You never want to remember someone for being an alcoholic, drug addict, cheater, lying, manipulative, asshole. No, of course you don’t want to remember all of that. You want to remember all the good a person was. Ignoring the bad, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.

I remember when my father in law passed, I was so sad. I did not mourn the man he was at that time. I mourned the man he could have been. I mourned the man he was in the past, not who he was in recent years. In recent years, he fueled my fiance’s drug addiction and lied and kept secrets that were life changing to my family. I do not mourn THAT man. Rather, I mourn the man he was when I met him, the fun man that I spent much time with. The man that would kiss my head and tell me that he knew his son would always be okay as long a he had me.  That man, I will miss, but not the drug addict, alcoholic, who lied and kept secrets from me for years. I will not miss that man. I mourn the grandfather he could have been. If he would have beat his addictions, he would have been an amazing grandfather to my two sons, the grandsons he wanted to badly to have.  I regret not taking a picture with him the last time I saw him. Being stubborn, letting my anger get in the way of taking that one stupid picture. 1 minute of my time would have given my boys a memory, a picture to cherish of their grandfather. I regret that.

See, we all have regrets, we all mourn differently. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Some of us, we go searching. We look for every single thing we can find to hold onto the person we love. Some of us, we shut that door, we move on, and that is all. No looking back. There’s just no right or wrong way.

Death sucks. There’s just no better way to put it out there, none. It’s final. You can’t get that person back.All you can do is make sure people know you love them and you care. Live your life in a way that if you were to die today that everyone knows you love them. It’s all you can do. That’s it.

RIP My friend…

I have attempted to write this many times, but I can’t quite put into words my thoughts.

Over 5 years ago I joined a mom group while pregnant for my son. I connected with many mom’s and we eventually transferred our group to Facebook.  We talked, we laughed, we cried, we shared our lives with each other beyond just the day to day mom struggles.  At one point, some mom’s wanted to get healthy, lose some weight, and change their lives.  We had a group split off for a heath/fitness group… our Work that Ass group.

When I joined that smaller sub group, I really got to know a smaller group of ladies.  One in particular just mesmorized me.  She was smart, funny, strong, an AMAZING mother, truly everything I aspired to be.  Miss Kira… oh how I loved her! We weren’t close in a sense that we texted or talked on the phone, but close in our group. She shared her hardships with us – a near death experience giving birth to her 5th child (yes, 5 children, all lucky as can be to have her for their mom!), her struggles to overcome past abuse as an adolescent, her journey to be strong, find healthy balance.  She competed in fitness competitions, opened our eyes to healthy, sustainable weight loss & strength.  More than anything, she encouraged, she inspired, and she was funny as hell! Oh, her sense of humor was unlike any other!  And yanno, the best thing is that she genuinely cared.  Truly. She cared about people. If you needed anything,  you could count on Kira. Always.

You see though, Kira was battlng her own demons.  Strong for her children, strong for everyone else, but struggling inside.  Her past haunted her. Feeling like a burden to your children, friends, family.  She overcame so much, met every goal she had with ease, but the healing process for her did not come quickly and that, I know, took a toll on her.

A week ago, Kira’s battle came to an end.  Kira could no longer battle her demons and she took her life.

Words cannot even describe the loss this world suffered.  This amazing woman – wife, mother, friend, confidant – she is no longer here.  It still feels like a bad dream.  The impact she made on me is unlike any other.  The changes I’ve made in my life with her help, I will forever be grateful.  I adored her.  Someone I had never met in real life, but considered a friend no less, she is gone.  Her babies will never see mom again.  Her husband will never have his other half there with him.  We will never see her funny videos, get her amazing advice, talk to her again.

My heart aches for her children, her husband, and all who knew her.

I’m struggling daily to undertand how the most logical person I know. The person who talked many others off the ledge, who gave them the best advice, who encouraged them to fight hard to overcome, how she could in that darkest of hour not see how valuable she was. I struggle to understand how the world’s best mother, who I know loved her children, how she could possibly believe they would be better without her.

That’s the thing about anxiety, about abuse, it beats you down until you have nothing left.  The mental heath system, it’s flawed.  Kira reached out for help, she was no stranger to doctors, to getting help, however, the system failed her. When someone wants help, but cannot get the help they need, what is left for them? It’s a sad system, it needs to be improved. Mental health needs to be taken seriously.  Kira didn’t seem depressed, she had anxiety, she had a history of abuse that made her feel worthless  She reached out for help. You see, she wanted to be heathy.  She was physically strong, healthy, however, she couldn’t beat her inner demons and when she reached out, the system failed her.

So, where do we go from here? Her husband, he will move forward, doing the best for their children. He’s an amazing man and I wish I could take away his hurt in some way.  Her children, they have support, I hope one day they’re able to see how much their mother loved them and that her choice was not to punish them.

Her friends? Well, we’ll carry her with us in our hearts forever.  Living our lives in a way that will honor her.  I will speak of her often, think of her often, and never forget this amazing woman.


In Kira’s honor, for her children, is a Go Fund Me page.  Set up by a close friend. The money will go directly to Kira’s husband.  If you’re inclined, please donate.  The last thing he needs is to deal with financial worries at this time.

Please watch this video, hear her words from her.  This video is only part of her story told by her husband & herself…. it’s a beautiful tribute to Kira. You won’t regret watching.

Rest peacefully sweet Kira… I hope you’re able to find peace! <3

#RIPKira #BeFormidableAsFuck #GoneButNeverForgotten


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I wish I could do this for him….

I don’t usually talk alot here about my kids or specific situations, but I’m really struggling right now.

Back in October, we took our 5 year old for his first eye exam after he failed a vision test at school.  We discovered he has a lazy eye, basically. We went home with glasses ordered and a 6 month follow up scheduled.  In 6 months, our son no longer goes cross eyed.  Yet he still cannot see. I’m amazed he’s functioned so long with how terribly bad his eyes are.

We’re now onto step 2, patching his right eye in hopes that his left eye will grow stronger. I was aware this was going to happen, we were informed at our first appointment.

6 hours a day we’re to patch the right eye to help make the left eye stronger. Vision in the right eye is also bad, however, it’s growing weaker by overcompensating for the left eye.

Every night I have to come home and patch my child’s eye. I have to watch him bump into things, try to drink and spill it because he’s struggling to see. I have to watch him curl into a ball and cry because he is struggling so badly. Begging to go to bed at 6pm, when usually he’s crying and begging to stay up at 8pm.  I wish I could make this better.

The struggle he has. Feeling as if he failed because he couldn’t see to tell us the letters at his eye exam. The tears when he heard the doctor say he had to wear a patch.

God this is hard.

If only he understood, no matter how much I tell him, that this is not a punishment. He’s not bad. He didn’t do anything wrong to make his eyes bad.  It’s tough. It’s a position I hate to be in.

I want to say, “OK, just wear your glasses, no patch today” Yet, I fear what will happen if his vision doesn’t improve.  I worry about if he refuses his patch, how bad will his eyes be. It’s stressful, to say the least.

I feel guilty for not taking him for an eye exam sooner. I could have found the issue years ago, had I taken him to the eye doctor sooner.

So, here I sit, searching for patches that will make him happy.  Spending too much money on many designs in hopes that he will wear them and enjoy fun eye patches.  I have 20 patches coming tomorrow with a reward chart, he swears he will wear them, but I know it will be hard and yet again, he will cry and beg me to just let him take them off.  I’m ordering custom patches in his favorite characters in hopes that he will keep them on his glasses and find them fun to wear. Yet, I fear it’s wasted investments.

I’m not the only parent to go through this, I know. Yet, I can’t help but feel so helpless throughout it all.

It’s hard being a mom. It’s so hard enforcing this with him when he cries and begs me to just take it off.

I absolutely hate this. I really do.

Being an adult… being a mom…. sometimes it just stinks.  It’s no fun being the “bad guy.”

In need of a Change

In the past 2 years I proved to myself I can do just about anything I set my mind to. I lost weight, totally transformed my body which I had never been able to do in my life.

That said, I know I can do damn near anything I put my mind to. If I want something bad enough, I can make it happen.

I need a change.

Same city I grew up in. Same people. Same dead end job. Dropped out of college after a year because I got a “good” job. Now, that good job is gone and there’s no way I’ll get a job like that unless I make some changes.

I want to move out of this place. Until I get a degree and can really be sure of a good job elsewhere, I am stuck here. So, back to school I go. I’m filing my taxes and immediately filing FAFSA paperwork and going to start over again. It won’t be easy, being a mom to two young boys, but it’s for them that I’ll be doing this.

I mean, my life isn’t THAT bad. I have stability. I have a job that is guaranteed, thank god for that. Our contract is up with one client and we gained 2 more just in case we lose our contract, so I’m secure for the next 5 years if I need to be there. I own my own home. I don’t have rent. I own my vehicles. We’re fairly secure. It isn’t that bad being me, but I don’t want to struggle or barely get by, I want to live comfortably and the only way to make that happen is to go back to school, so I’m gonna go.

It may get crazy. Hell, it will get crazy, there’s no may about it. But in the long run, a few years of craziness, a little bit of extra stress. It all will make our lives easier in the long run.

So, ready or not, here I go! I’ve narrowed it down to 3 programs….now I have to decide what to do with the rest of my life!


Look – we’re all going to receive judgement at some point for how we look.

If you’re overweight, you will face criticism. You’ll see commercials selling weight loss pills, cellulite cream, diet food, and everything you could possibly want or need to get the perfect body.  You’ll hear comments about being overweight.  You may be made fun of. It’s all a given. It’s going to happen.

If you’re thin, you’re going to receive the same judgement at any given time. The term skinny bitch may be tossed your way. People will tell you you need to eat. You’ll even face judgement from those overweight people who believe you’re the same person passing judgement on them.

It’s really sad.

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve weighed 238 lbs, I’ve weighed 158 lbs.  I’ve faced criticism for being overweight. I’ve also faced criticism for being too thin.

It’s going to happen.

Truth is, I don’t care if you’re 300 lbs, 400 lbs, or 100 lbs. It doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t lose weight for anyone but me. I did it because I was unhappy with how I looked, how I felt, and I wanted a change. When I see someone who’s overweight, I’m not sitting there passing judgement. If I’m watching you pig out on that Big Mac and french fries and eyeballing your large coke, it’s not because I’m passing judgement on what you’re eating. It’s because it looks insanely good and I do sometimes wish I could eat that way! I could eat that way, but I know me, I know my body, I know that one meal like that would make me sick because I made a choice long ago to cut out unhealthy junk from my diet.

I’m not passing judgement, far from it.

So really, enough with the criticism. No, those weight loss commercials aren’t an insult to you.  Stretch mark cream is not just for those who are overweight. Hey, newsflash, I still have all the same stretchmarks I had when I was a size 20 now that I am a size 10, they didn’t magically go away and overweight people don’t have the monopoly on stretch marks.  Those pills, creams, everything to make you lose weight and have a perfect body aren’t simply targeted at overweight people.  They’re targeted at everyone who is into gimmicks and quick fixes.

And yes, I lost weight. But I still struggle. I still look at my body and see stretch marks, that extra skin from losing weight & having kids, I see my imperfections, because we all have them.

Fat, skinny, does it matter? Stop the judging. Your value isn’t based on a stupid number on the scale or your pant size.  Your value depends on who you are as a person, what’s in your heart.

That’s really all that matters.


I can’t do it all. I’m trying to accept that my house will not always be organized and clean all the time. I may always have piles of laundry everywhere, some clean, some dirty, some I just don’t know what they are. My house is small, with 2 kids, a dog, and ourselves, it’s cramped. I hate this tiny house. Yet this tiny, cramped house is paid in full, it allows us to have a little less stress. I hate my car. My car with no ABS brakes in winter in Michigan. My car that is 14 years old and has cost me over $2,000 in repairs the past year. But that car, it allows us to not have car payments and for my kids to ride daily in the nice car with no issues. These things I hate, they allow for me to work and for Mr. G to be home with our children each day. They allow for my small income to support us and us to be comfortable while my boys always will have someone there after school, and fun times with daddy while mommy is at work. These things I hate, they do allow us to be OK, financially stable, without worry about money, rent, car payments. For those things I am grateful.

In this new year, I’m going to try to change my outlook on things. It’s OK if my house is messy. If my kids are happy, then who cares if things aren’t perfect. The house can be perfect when the kids are older. The things that bother me, I’m going to be grateful for. I’m not going to complain about what I do not have, it does me no good.

I am going to try being grateful for what I have. Money is not everything. Money cannot buy happiness. Yes, money can buy nice things, but in the long run, happiness comes from within. Happiness is something that cannot be bought. I’m going to stop stressing the small things and really appreciate what we do have. I have 2 beautiful baby boys that I adore. I have a man who has been by my side for 13 years now, good times, bad times, we’ve made it through. We may not have everything, but we have what we need. For that I am grateful.

Back to school

This week, my oldest starts Kindergarten. In a week my youngest will start an Early Childhood Development Delay preschool.  New experiences for both, lots of changes and excitement going on.

I’m sure my B will be fine with kindergarten. It’s different, we won’t be there walking him to class or picking him up in his room, but he’ll be just fine with the changes. I know he’s ready and will be happy to be back at school.

Lil A though, *sigh* He’s going to be away from us for the first time ever. He has always been with us or with his grandma’s. Never has he been to daycare or preschool or with anyone but grandmas and mom & dad. This will be an adjustment.

The school year is always hectic. It’s emotional sending the boys off to school as well. Lots of changes to our routines.  The kids need to be up early, to bed early, they drop me off a work during the school year, it is a bit crazy each morning. No lazy morning snuggles with the boys, they wake up and we have to get moving.  We live for the weekends when we can sleep in, spend time in the mornings snuggling, watching cartoons, it’s always a nice change from the fast paced weeks.

In the midst of this all,  what I’m looking forward to is one small thing. I will be carless all day at work. This means on lunches, I have no choice but to go to the gym. Summer times, I get off track. I have errands to run on lunch hours instead of going to the gym. It’s hot outside and the gym has no air conditioning, making it hard to force myself to go. Basically a long line of excuses. So while others are gaining weight in the winter, taking advantage of the cold and sweaters covering up any flaws. I am chugging away in the gym, losing those pounds gained over the summer.

Lots of changes coming up. School is beginning. My children are growing too fast. Our laid back schedule of summer is now done.  Now we’ll be back to strict bedtimes and wake ups and routines galore to keep the house running as smooth as possible. In the midst of it all, I will be back at the gym, working hard to gain those 10 pounds gained over the summer time.

Oh and it’s my birthday this week…. 34 years old.  I am determined to be healthier this year than I ever have been before!