I wish I could do this for him….

I don’t usually talk alot here about my kids or specific situations, but I’m really struggling right now.

Back in October, we took our 5 year old for his first eye exam after he failed a vision test at school.  We discovered he has a lazy eye, basically. We went home with glasses ordered and a 6 month follow up scheduled.  In 6 months, our son no longer goes cross eyed.  Yet he still cannot see. I’m amazed he’s functioned so long with how terribly bad his eyes are.

We’re now onto step 2, patching his right eye in hopes that his left eye will grow stronger. I was aware this was going to happen, we were informed at our first appointment.

6 hours a day we’re to patch the right eye to help make the left eye stronger. Vision in the right eye is also bad, however, it’s growing weaker by overcompensating for the left eye.

Every night I have to come home and patch my child’s eye. I have to watch him bump into things, try to drink and spill it because he’s struggling to see. I have to watch him curl into a ball and cry because he is struggling so badly. Begging to go to bed at 6pm, when usually he’s crying and begging to stay up at 8pm.  I wish I could make this better.

The struggle he has. Feeling as if he failed because he couldn’t see to tell us the letters at his eye exam. The tears when he heard the doctor say he had to wear a patch.

God this is hard.

If only he understood, no matter how much I tell him, that this is not a punishment. He’s not bad. He didn’t do anything wrong to make his eyes bad.  It’s tough. It’s a position I hate to be in.

I want to say, “OK, just wear your glasses, no patch today” Yet, I fear what will happen if his vision doesn’t improve.  I worry about if he refuses his patch, how bad will his eyes be. It’s stressful, to say the least.

I feel guilty for not taking him for an eye exam sooner. I could have found the issue years ago, had I taken him to the eye doctor sooner.

So, here I sit, searching for patches that will make him happy.  Spending too much money on many designs in hopes that he will wear them and enjoy fun eye patches.  I have 20 patches coming tomorrow with a reward chart, he swears he will wear them, but I know it will be hard and yet again, he will cry and beg me to just let him take them off.  I’m ordering custom patches in his favorite characters in hopes that he will keep them on his glasses and find them fun to wear. Yet, I fear it’s wasted investments.

I’m not the only parent to go through this, I know. Yet, I can’t help but feel so helpless throughout it all.

It’s hard being a mom. It’s so hard enforcing this with him when he cries and begs me to just take it off.

I absolutely hate this. I really do.

Being an adult… being a mom…. sometimes it just stinks.  It’s no fun being the “bad guy.”

In need of a Change

In the past 2 years I proved to myself I can do just about anything I set my mind to. I lost weight, totally transformed my body which I had never been able to do in my life.

That said, I know I can do damn near anything I put my mind to. If I want something bad enough, I can make it happen.

I need a change.

Same city I grew up in. Same people. Same dead end job. Dropped out of college after a year because I got a “good” job. Now, that good job is gone and there’s no way I’ll get a job like that unless I make some changes.

I want to move out of this place. Until I get a degree and can really be sure of a good job elsewhere, I am stuck here. So, back to school I go. I’m filing my taxes and immediately filing FAFSA paperwork and going to start over again. It won’t be easy, being a mom to two young boys, but it’s for them that I’ll be doing this.

I mean, my life isn’t THAT bad. I have stability. I have a job that is guaranteed, thank god for that. Our contract is up with one client and we gained 2 more just in case we lose our contract, so I’m secure for the next 5 years if I need to be there. I own my own home. I don’t have rent. I own my vehicles. We’re fairly secure. It isn’t that bad being me, but I don’t want to struggle or barely get by, I want to live comfortably and the only way to make that happen is to go back to school, so I’m gonna go.

It may get crazy. Hell, it will get crazy, there’s no may about it. But in the long run, a few years of craziness, a little bit of extra stress. It all will make our lives easier in the long run.

So, ready or not, here I go! I’ve narrowed it down to 3 programs….now I have to decide what to do with the rest of my life!

Judgement

Look – we’re all going to receive judgement at some point for how we look.

If you’re overweight, you will face criticism. You’ll see commercials selling weight loss pills, cellulite cream, diet food, and everything you could possibly want or need to get the perfect body.  You’ll hear comments about being overweight.  You may be made fun of. It’s all a given. It’s going to happen.

If you’re thin, you’re going to receive the same judgement at any given time. The term skinny bitch may be tossed your way. People will tell you you need to eat. You’ll even face judgement from those overweight people who believe you’re the same person passing judgement on them.

It’s really sad.

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve weighed 238 lbs, I’ve weighed 158 lbs.  I’ve faced criticism for being overweight. I’ve also faced criticism for being too thin.

It’s going to happen.

Truth is, I don’t care if you’re 300 lbs, 400 lbs, or 100 lbs. It doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t lose weight for anyone but me. I did it because I was unhappy with how I looked, how I felt, and I wanted a change. When I see someone who’s overweight, I’m not sitting there passing judgement. If I’m watching you pig out on that Big Mac and french fries and eyeballing your large coke, it’s not because I’m passing judgement on what you’re eating. It’s because it looks insanely good and I do sometimes wish I could eat that way! I could eat that way, but I know me, I know my body, I know that one meal like that would make me sick because I made a choice long ago to cut out unhealthy junk from my diet.

I’m not passing judgement, far from it.

So really, enough with the criticism. No, those weight loss commercials aren’t an insult to you.  Stretch mark cream is not just for those who are overweight. Hey, newsflash, I still have all the same stretchmarks I had when I was a size 20 now that I am a size 10, they didn’t magically go away and overweight people don’t have the monopoly on stretch marks.  Those pills, creams, everything to make you lose weight and have a perfect body aren’t simply targeted at overweight people.  They’re targeted at everyone who is into gimmicks and quick fixes.

And yes, I lost weight. But I still struggle. I still look at my body and see stretch marks, that extra skin from losing weight & having kids, I see my imperfections, because we all have them.

Fat, skinny, does it matter? Stop the judging. Your value isn’t based on a stupid number on the scale or your pant size.  Your value depends on who you are as a person, what’s in your heart.

That’s really all that matters.

Grateful

I can’t do it all. I’m trying to accept that my house will not always be organized and clean all the time. I may always have piles of laundry everywhere, some clean, some dirty, some I just don’t know what they are. My house is small, with 2 kids, a dog, and ourselves, it’s cramped. I hate this tiny house. Yet this tiny, cramped house is paid in full, it allows us to have a little less stress. I hate my car. My car with no ABS brakes in winter in Michigan. My car that is 14 years old and has cost me over $2,000 in repairs the past year. But that car, it allows us to not have car payments and for my kids to ride daily in the nice car with no issues. These things I hate, they allow for me to work and for Mr. G to be home with our children each day. They allow for my small income to support us and us to be comfortable while my boys always will have someone there after school, and fun times with daddy while mommy is at work. These things I hate, they do allow us to be OK, financially stable, without worry about money, rent, car payments. For those things I am grateful.

In this new year, I’m going to try to change my outlook on things. It’s OK if my house is messy. If my kids are happy, then who cares if things aren’t perfect. The house can be perfect when the kids are older. The things that bother me, I’m going to be grateful for. I’m not going to complain about what I do not have, it does me no good.

I am going to try being grateful for what I have. Money is not everything. Money cannot buy happiness. Yes, money can buy nice things, but in the long run, happiness comes from within. Happiness is something that cannot be bought. I’m going to stop stressing the small things and really appreciate what we do have. I have 2 beautiful baby boys that I adore. I have a man who has been by my side for 13 years now, good times, bad times, we’ve made it through. We may not have everything, but we have what we need. For that I am grateful.

Back to school

This week, my oldest starts Kindergarten. In a week my youngest will start an Early Childhood Development Delay preschool.  New experiences for both, lots of changes and excitement going on.

I’m sure my B will be fine with kindergarten. It’s different, we won’t be there walking him to class or picking him up in his room, but he’ll be just fine with the changes. I know he’s ready and will be happy to be back at school.

Lil A though, *sigh* He’s going to be away from us for the first time ever. He has always been with us or with his grandma’s. Never has he been to daycare or preschool or with anyone but grandmas and mom & dad. This will be an adjustment.

The school year is always hectic. It’s emotional sending the boys off to school as well. Lots of changes to our routines.  The kids need to be up early, to bed early, they drop me off a work during the school year, it is a bit crazy each morning. No lazy morning snuggles with the boys, they wake up and we have to get moving.  We live for the weekends when we can sleep in, spend time in the mornings snuggling, watching cartoons, it’s always a nice change from the fast paced weeks.

In the midst of this all,  what I’m looking forward to is one small thing. I will be carless all day at work. This means on lunches, I have no choice but to go to the gym. Summer times, I get off track. I have errands to run on lunch hours instead of going to the gym. It’s hot outside and the gym has no air conditioning, making it hard to force myself to go. Basically a long line of excuses. So while others are gaining weight in the winter, taking advantage of the cold and sweaters covering up any flaws. I am chugging away in the gym, losing those pounds gained over the summer.

Lots of changes coming up. School is beginning. My children are growing too fast. Our laid back schedule of summer is now done.  Now we’ll be back to strict bedtimes and wake ups and routines galore to keep the house running as smooth as possible. In the midst of it all, I will be back at the gym, working hard to gain those 10 pounds gained over the summer time.

Oh and it’s my birthday this week…. 34 years old.  I am determined to be healthier this year than I ever have been before!

Evaluating this crazy life.

When I met J about 12 years ago we were young. We have grown as a couple, as parents, and its great. I love him with all that’s in me. I cannot imagine life without him.

Yet, I have changed. Along with losing weight, I have gained confidence and a sense of me. I am not happy with where our life is. J is not into health and fitness. He really could care less about anything fitness related. Meanwhile, I love exercising, I love doing races, being active.

I am ok if that’s not his thing, fine, that’s cool. Yet, I want him to go to my races with the boys and support me. I want him to be there taking pictures. Sadly, he is not. When I leave for a race, there is no, “Good luck babe!” He shows no interest. The boys want to go, however, I cannot go and race and watch them. It’s not possible. So they don’t go. I don’t get asked by J how I did. No “Great job!” when I place in a race. He simply could care less.

That is hurtful. I want him to care. I want him to be proud. In the past year of losing weight, he has shown no interest. Yes, he buys me fitness items for holidays because he knows its what I enjoy, but no real interest.

That hurts. I wonder if we are too different at this point. I often think my life would be better, happier, with someone else. While I love him, I want more than he is willing to give.

I think its time to do some soul searching. Time to reevaluate not only my fitness goals but my life goals.

On a side note. I did finish my 5K today 2nd in my age group. Got a nifty medal, proud of myself, but no recognition at home. Feeling down. Just wish he cared and realized how much of a struggle this has been, how hard I have had to work, that its not been easy at all. I just wish he knew how important this is to me and would show an intetest.

I am rambling. Sorry. It’s been a long day. I am tired. Cranky kids and its hotter than hell outside. Fighting with J makes it even worse. *sigh*

Early Morning Ramblings

Ever since I started losing weight. I have heard everyone’s opinion on my weight and methods. I get that I have publicly shared my journey on social media so by putting it out there, I opened myself up to unsolicited advice and unwanted opinions.

There have been emails at work regarding our Wellness Program and my participation and success. That’s fine, if someone is inspired by me, that’s great!

However, what isn’t great is everyone shoving their opinions down my throat. I have hit my goal, surpassed it at that. Yet, is it necessary for people to say, “You don’t need to log your food, you are skinny err enough, why are you doing that?” Or “You aren’t going to lose any more weight?” “How skinny do you want to be??”

Seriously? I am a size 10, I gained a few pounds and an now at 164 lbs. I am hardly under weight. I do have fat on.my body. I do actually eat food. It’s not like I don’t eat. I am also not that person that can maintain a healthy weight without working at it. I come from a family of obese people, I often feel like genetics is working against me.
And quite frankly, why is it a bad thing if I get my size down to a 8 or 4 or 6? Is that a bad thing? If I am healthy why does my size matter? Why is it a bad thing if I drop below a size 10? I don’t understand why girls who are smaller than I would tell me “Oh you are skinny enough!” When they themselves are about 4 sizes smaller than I am. What the fuck?

Pardon my rant. But I have let people get in my head for a while now. It’s really messed with me and I am having a hell of a time getting back into my normal routine after getting.off track. Fortunately I have held steady at my size for a couple months now but no more.

No more letting peoples comments get in my head. No more settling for a size 10 because everyone else thinks I look fine at this size and should stop. Truth is. I started this for me, no one else. I am not content at this size, because I know I can do better.

So to everyone saying to stop, I look good, and should stop here…. F off, stop with the comments. I appreciate that you think I look good but I am not doing this for you or anyone else, this is my body and I know its capable of more!

Break time is done….time to start pushing forward!

(And I realize no one in my real life will see this but I feel better getting it out there!)