Back to school

This week, my oldest starts Kindergarten. In a week my youngest will start an Early Childhood Development Delay preschool.  New experiences for both, lots of changes and excitement going on.

I’m sure my B will be fine with kindergarten. It’s different, we won’t be there walking him to class or picking him up in his room, but he’ll be just fine with the changes. I know he’s ready and will be happy to be back at school.

Lil A though, *sigh* He’s going to be away from us for the first time ever. He has always been with us or with his grandma’s. Never has he been to daycare or preschool or with anyone but grandmas and mom & dad. This will be an adjustment.

The school year is always hectic. It’s emotional sending the boys off to school as well. Lots of changes to our routines.  The kids need to be up early, to bed early, they drop me off a work during the school year, it is a bit crazy each morning. No lazy morning snuggles with the boys, they wake up and we have to get moving.  We live for the weekends when we can sleep in, spend time in the mornings snuggling, watching cartoons, it’s always a nice change from the fast paced weeks.

In the midst of this all,  what I’m looking forward to is one small thing. I will be carless all day at work. This means on lunches, I have no choice but to go to the gym. Summer times, I get off track. I have errands to run on lunch hours instead of going to the gym. It’s hot outside and the gym has no air conditioning, making it hard to force myself to go. Basically a long line of excuses. So while others are gaining weight in the winter, taking advantage of the cold and sweaters covering up any flaws. I am chugging away in the gym, losing those pounds gained over the summer.

Lots of changes coming up. School is beginning. My children are growing too fast. Our laid back schedule of summer is now done.  Now we’ll be back to strict bedtimes and wake ups and routines galore to keep the house running as smooth as possible. In the midst of it all, I will be back at the gym, working hard to gain those 10 pounds gained over the summer time.

Oh and it’s my birthday this week…. 34 years old.  I am determined to be healthier this year than I ever have been before!

Evaluating this crazy life.

When I met J about 12 years ago we were young. We have grown as a couple, as parents, and its great. I love him with all that’s in me. I cannot imagine life without him.

Yet, I have changed. Along with losing weight, I have gained confidence and a sense of me. I am not happy with where our life is. J is not into health and fitness. He really could care less about anything fitness related. Meanwhile, I love exercising, I love doing races, being active.

I am ok if that’s not his thing, fine, that’s cool. Yet, I want him to go to my races with the boys and support me. I want him to be there taking pictures. Sadly, he is not. When I leave for a race, there is no, “Good luck babe!” He shows no interest. The boys want to go, however, I cannot go and race and watch them. It’s not possible. So they don’t go. I don’t get asked by J how I did. No “Great job!” when I place in a race. He simply could care less.

That is hurtful. I want him to care. I want him to be proud. In the past year of losing weight, he has shown no interest. Yes, he buys me fitness items for holidays because he knows its what I enjoy, but no real interest.

That hurts. I wonder if we are too different at this point. I often think my life would be better, happier, with someone else. While I love him, I want more than he is willing to give.

I think its time to do some soul searching. Time to reevaluate not only my fitness goals but my life goals.

On a side note. I did finish my 5K today 2nd in my age group. Got a nifty medal, proud of myself, but no recognition at home. Feeling down. Just wish he cared and realized how much of a struggle this has been, how hard I have had to work, that its not been easy at all. I just wish he knew how important this is to me and would show an intetest.

I am rambling. Sorry. It’s been a long day. I am tired. Cranky kids and its hotter than hell outside. Fighting with J makes it even worse. *sigh*

Early Morning Ramblings

Ever since I started losing weight. I have heard everyone’s opinion on my weight and methods. I get that I have publicly shared my journey on social media so by putting it out there, I opened myself up to unsolicited advice and unwanted opinions.

There have been emails at work regarding our Wellness Program and my participation and success. That’s fine, if someone is inspired by me, that’s great!

However, what isn’t great is everyone shoving their opinions down my throat. I have hit my goal, surpassed it at that. Yet, is it necessary for people to say, “You don’t need to log your food, you are skinny err enough, why are you doing that?” Or “You aren’t going to lose any more weight?” “How skinny do you want to be??”

Seriously? I am a size 10, I gained a few pounds and an now at 164 lbs. I am hardly under weight. I do have fat on.my body. I do actually eat food. It’s not like I don’t eat. I am also not that person that can maintain a healthy weight without working at it. I come from a family of obese people, I often feel like genetics is working against me.
And quite frankly, why is it a bad thing if I get my size down to a 8 or 4 or 6? Is that a bad thing? If I am healthy why does my size matter? Why is it a bad thing if I drop below a size 10? I don’t understand why girls who are smaller than I would tell me “Oh you are skinny enough!” When they themselves are about 4 sizes smaller than I am. What the fuck?

Pardon my rant. But I have let people get in my head for a while now. It’s really messed with me and I am having a hell of a time getting back into my normal routine after getting.off track. Fortunately I have held steady at my size for a couple months now but no more.

No more letting peoples comments get in my head. No more settling for a size 10 because everyone else thinks I look fine at this size and should stop. Truth is. I started this for me, no one else. I am not content at this size, because I know I can do better.

So to everyone saying to stop, I look good, and should stop here…. F off, stop with the comments. I appreciate that you think I look good but I am not doing this for you or anyone else, this is my body and I know its capable of more!

Break time is done….time to start pushing forward!

(And I realize no one in my real life will see this but I feel better getting it out there!)

Balance

The whole point of my journey, losing weight, getting in shape, was to make life changes that would be sustainable. Healthy, sustainable weight loss was my goal. I’ve hit my size goal, surpassed it even. I’ve surpassed my weight goal as well.  Now, time to put myself to the test. 

I’ve stopped logging all of my food intake. Yes, using a tool like My Fitness Pal to log your food intake is important while on a weight loss journey. Yet, I’m not on a journey at this point. I am now at a point where I need to see if I can do this without analyzing every bit of food I put into my mouth and logging every single meal. Have I learned enough to eat sensibly and control my weight without worrying about calories and food intake? 

I think the answer is yes. 

For about a month now, I’ve not been logging my food intake. I have been mindful of my diet, however, I’m not racing to log every snack or meal as soon as I eat it. I do not know the exact number of calories I’ve ate in a day, nor do I care to. 

In this past month, I’ve gained about 6 pounds. I am still at a size 10 and my clothes fit me very well. I’ve not went up in size.  I think this is fairly normal and I’m OK with it. I know now that what I’ve learned will carry  me through and as long as I’m still in the gym 4 to 5 times a week and mindful of my food, without strictly counting calories, then I’ll be OK.  I reached my ultimate goal of making lifestyle changes that will carry me through and if I have a month of not logging, I won’t instantly gain back all that I lost. My weight will fluctuate and that’s OK too.

It’s all about finding a balance and I’m pretty sure I have found that. 

Taking a break…

I’ve been loaded with stress lately.

Unfortunately it’s been crazy schedules, lots to get done, and workouts have fallen by the wayside.  I always have worried about what happens when I am not actively trying to lose weight. Will I be able to maintain my weight without working out to lose.  After losing so much weight, the last thing I want to do is gain it all back.

Well, I learned something this past month. I’ve not worked out but maybe 6 or 7 times. I usually log calories to make sure I’m eating enough without eating too much. I have barely logged any of my food. I’ve not weighed myself either because let’s face it, barely working out, not logging foods, it usually spells disaster withe the scale.

I weighted in today, surprisingly, I am up 2 pounds.  I don’t count this as a gain because my weight fluctuates from day to day. Had I gained 5 pounds, then yes, I’d be concerned but not two pounds.

I’ve learned that breaks are totally OK. Sometimes life throws some crazy shit our way. I’ve had to deal with so much lately and barely been able to maintain my sanity let alone maintain a workout routine, take time to meal prep, and really take care of myself. It’s OK if you have to let something go. It’s fine to take that break for your own mental health.

This break showed me a few things. One, that I’ve learned enough about food and portion control to have a healthy relationship with food. Even if I am not logging calories, I’m still very aware of what goes into my body. I have a healthy relationship with food that can carry me through these hard times and I won’t gain back all I lost.

And the second thing I’ve learned? Well that this truly is a lifestyle change.  Every change I’ve made is a change that will stick with me forever. A true lifestyle change. Taking a break doesn’t mean I’ll go back to every bad habit I had before that caused me to balloon up to over 200 pounds.

Now that I’m feeling better about life and handling stress better, I’ll be back in that gym on Monday. Why? Because break time is over! :)

Wow!

I started this blog just because on occasion, I like to journal about my life. Nothing special. I am just a mom, trying to get healthier and manage this crazy life I lead. In the past couple days, I actually gained followers! Thanks guys and gals!!

Why?

A lot of people ask if I am done. The whole, “You aren’t trying to lose more weight are you?”

Here’s my answer to why I am not done, why I will continue to keep going long after I have hit my goal.

I am a mom to two very special little boys, I don’t want to disregard my oldest in this as he is my first baby and incredibly special to me.

Yet my 3 yr old, lil A is a very special little boy. A has some delays. Being his mommy is hard. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. From the moment he wakes at 5:30am until he goes to sleep at 8:30pm, it is work. I work full time and Mr G is the stay at home parent. Being a working mom to A is so hard.

A was recently diagnosed with mixed developmental delays, with strong signs of autism. ASD cannot be ruled out but is not being diagnosed at this time.

With a child like A and a 5 yr old lil boy as well, life is tiring! Our 5 yr old, B, is your normal lil boy, full of energy and ready to go at all times. These two keep us on our toes! Given A’s delays, we cannot leave them to play together without keeping a very close eye on them as A may lash out at B and it could turn from friendly play to not so friendly play very quickly. Again, simply tiring, moreso than if we had two ‘normal’ children (if there is such a thing!).

So why, why do I push myself, work hard in the gym, try to eat healthy and stay in shape?

The answer is simple. My children are why. Working out is a stress reliever. I can’t deal well with my stressful job and the emotional rollercoaster of the diagnosing process for my A and his brother trying to find his own personality and testing boundaries. Life is stressful and taking time for me, it helps me manage that stress so much better.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is stressful but I wouldn’t change it. I adore my boys. Both are amazing little human beings! Both drive me nuts, as they should, but bring me so much joy!

So when people as why I am not done, why I keep going, it’s an easy question to answer. I do it for my boys. They deserve the best of me and I am at my best when I am taking care of myself.

They are the reason I started and also the reason why I won’t stop!